60 posts in 2 1/2 years.

That’s about 2 posts in one month. If it takes roughly an hour to do a decent post (seriously, that’s how long I stare at the screen to write a decent post), where did the rest of the 21,780 hours of the past months go?

Oh yeah, I remember — work. And before that, school.

Writing is supposed to be one of my escape hobbies. I figured I needed a lot of those considering I haven’t mastered the art of fusing daily tasks and leisure. I didn’t consider in the exhaustion factor. Working/studying the whole day doesn’t leave an ounce of stable mind work to even write. What I end up doing is another 1-2 hour mindless internet session coupled with new episodes of whatever series I’m into at the moment. I’ll pass out on bed and wake up to another task-filled day ahead. The vicious cycle continues.

I really do wish I could find the time and the energy to enjoy life outside work or whatever task I have. Although life’s survival consists of the I-had-to-do’s of the universe but I do believe that sustainance and meaning would come from I-want-slash-like-slash-love-to-do’s.  Loving what you do may not actually be possible for everyone… including me, but striking a balance would also bring that feeling of fulfillment and self-assurance…

… and of course the freedom from stress or any physical  complications.

This week can be summarized in a few sentences:

1. What I did ever since ever is junk.
2. I have no common sense.
3. I am too emotional (even if it’s all caused by severe lack of tact)
4. I’m better off in hardware design and software development (stress in DESIGN whenever HARDWARE is involved).
5. My career goals are in jeopardy.
6. I am too emotional…

As if things would not get any worse, life just tortured me again with more sh*t.

I’m depressed, upset, irate, afraid and really really tired. Surviving the remaining days of the semester would have been more bearable if I wouldn’t have to deal with a battered ego and very low morale.

Why is it that despite exhausting all my time, effort and energy, I still found myself lacking and failing? Does things have to always turn out different from the way I have hoped it to be?

Have faith. Keep on praying. That’s what my mother would say over and over. Although her words are really comforting, I doubt if I could do a complete 180 in time.

I need a long vacation. Or at least decent hours of peaceful sleep. Or maybe a sensible talk with someone just to release my tension. And no, anxiety attacks do NOT count as release.